House of Zathras

Another great quote from Babylon 5:

There is no greater power in the universe than the need for freedom. -G’Kar

Remember those words in the political frenzy of the next 30 days.  No matter whether your chosen side wins or loses, freedom will still be sought.  Will still be available.  Freedom is a universal desire, but no where has its pursuit been more finely honed than here in the United States of America.   If the opposing side wins, guess what…you don’t go to jail.  Or have to worry about being put to death.  You might be pissed to perfection, but you have the freedom to work to change the situation.

Don’t forget that.  Or else you will have given up your freedom.

 “In a democracy, the individual enjoys not only the ultimate power but carries the ultimate responsibility.” -Norman Cousins

Princess No and Eraserhead had a church youth group meeting today.  When I went to pick them up, I could see them outside with the other kids playing a kickball game.  I didn’t have a complete view, as a couple of cars and some trees blocked my line of sight, but I could see the ball flying through the air.  Kids running, laughing.  Bases were make-shift, a lawn-chair  or a patch of dirt in the grass.

It was  a gorgeous day for a game.   Nice temperature, cooling breezes.  I sat in my car, windows rolled down, enjoying the sight of teens enjoying being outside and not glued to cell phones or other electronic gear.

Then I saw something black flapping through the trees.  I sat up, trying to identify it.  Then I burst out laughing.  It was our priest, in his cassock, running bases.  He was playing kickball with the kids!  It was really a beautiful, happy thing to watch.   The joy of life in all their faces.

That’s what I love about our priest.  He has such a love of life, and an enthusiasm for his calling.  He is not dour and judgmental.  He is not a ‘modern’ priest, though, allowing liberal non-Catholic ‘touchy-feel-good’ to slip into his teaching for the sake of not offending others.  In other words, he stands by the Magesterium.  You may not agree with every aspect, but don’t you respect someone who stands true in their faith?  Unlike folks like Pelosi and Biden and Kerry, who use their faith for political purposes.

And the kids have fun.   They know there are Catholic ‘rules’, but they also know it doesn’t mean they can’t have fun.

I’m just glad I got to see the joy and laughter today.  Made things seem just a little bit better for awhile.

My daughter asked if BR was ever skinny.  I told her to look at our wedding picture behind her on the shelf.  She did, studying it closely.  She then asked me if I had changed since then.  I said yeah, about 40 pounds of change.  My daughter looked again at the picture, and then at my husband and me.

She got a funny look on her face and asked, “What has marriage done to y’all?”

Damn.

What a weird title, I bet you’re thinking. I heard it in my classroom today. We were doing a page on ‘Fantasy and Reality’. The directions were rather convoluted (and I think they are written above the second grade level for which it’s geared, but hey…I only work with the kids on a day-in and day-out basis…what should I know, especially compared to those with Educational Doctorates who get to create reading series when they haven’t been in the classroom for years, but instead depend on university-created research done by folks who have also haven’t been in an elementary classroom for years.)

But I had a kid reading the directions aloud, and the line was supposed to be ‘an element of reality can include’….but the kid read it as ‘an elephant of reality’.

At first, I laughed to myself about the error. But the thought stayed with me. ‘Elephant of reality‘. I guess it’s kind of like the ‘elephant in the living room’…a problem that is obvious to everyone, but everyone chooses to ignore.

We’ve got a big, fat elephant of reality in my house. Problems that we have all been ignoring, hoping it would go away. Hoping that some trainer would come and get it. Or that the elephant would quietly decide to leave on its own.

But as the saying goes, elephants never forget. The problems therefore never go away.

All of us in my home need to face an elephant of reality. It’s making a terrible mess, and it’s just quietly getting bigger all the time. Tranquilizer darts only work for a little while. The elephant always wakes up, continuing to come between all of us.

So, it’s time for an elephant hunt. I don’t know what the outcome will be. The elephant needs to leave, because I’m tired of cleaning up its crap.

see Sarah Palin pictures

see Sarah Palin pictures

If I take a lamp and shine toward the wall, a bright spot will appear on the wall. The lamp is our search for truth, for understanding. Too often we assume the light on the wall is God, but the light is not the goal of the search, it is the result of the search. The more intense the search, the brighter the light on the wall. The brighter the light on the wall, the greater the revelation upon seeing it. Similarly, someone who does not search, who does not bring a lantern with him, sees nothing. What we perceive as God is the by-product of our search for God. It may simply be an appreciation of the light, pure and unblemished. Not understanding that it comes from us, sometimes, we stand in front of the light and assume we are the center of the universe. God looks astonishingly like we do. Or we turn to look at our shadow and assume all is darkness. If we allow ourselves to get in the way, we defeat the purpose - which is use the light of our search to illuminate the wall in all its beauty and all its flaws, and in so doing, better understand the world around us.

- from Babylon 5

How do I get out of my own way?  No matter how I go about it, I wind up stumbling over myself.  Again and again.

That’s my current motto.

And music helps me to keep from thinking.

Music like this: (some scenes nsfw)

Why, oh why, is everybody bitching at me?

Everybody in this family gets to do something they want except for me.

Buck gets to be in the Young Marines. (Which I take him to every other Saturday.  And it’s supposed to be a benefit because I get to sit in the library and work on school stuff while waiting on him because it’s too far to go back home.  Sis-boom-rah.)

Princess No gets to be in the musical she wanted to be.  (Which somebody has to take her to and from and wait because it’s too far to go home.)

Eraserhead also gets to be in a play.  (Which is on the extreme side of our home town which is causes great inconvenience because how the hell am I supposed to get kids to two places at the same time when they’re like 30 miles apart?)

Goob, while not getting to do a lot of ‘fun’, still has a job that pays for him to get new speakers and eating out all the time and sleeping late and leaving a mess for someone else to clean up.

BR gets to go on motorcycle rides and rallies and do things for his bike.

And I get all the bitching when any of these fucking activities interferes with someone else’s.  I also wanted to try out for a play but I couldn’t do it because it would be nigh impossible for the others to get to their activities.

I get bitched at because I’m the one that tries to make sure the lawns get mowed (ours and Mama Bear’s).

I get bitched at because someone else has to sacrifice their time to run someone else around because I took a day off to do paperwork that has been needed to be done for months if not years, and therefore I was without a vehicle.

I get bitched at because I try to make sure people get the pets (all fucking four of them!!!)  watered and fed.

What else do I get?  I get to cook and clean and do the shopping. I get to bitch and moan and have everyone pissed at me for trying to keep it all together. No one fucking considers that I’m the fucking lynch pin this whole screwed-up family revolves around, and I’m breaking fucking fast.  No matter how hard I’ve tried, I’ve got my problems too and I can’t keep putting them aside because we don’t have the fucking time to deal with them!!!!

I’m just fucking pissed at the fucking world right now.  My insides are so knotted up that I go from not being able to take a crap to not being able to stop it.  I’m having chest pains and I just don’t know what to do anymore.

Grief is killing our family.  Abuse from the past continues to affect us in ways we never thought would happen.

Goob said he’s even considered going back to Utah to get away from the crap down here.  He’s 18, we can’t stop him, but it breaks my heart that he thinks of that as an option.  I know he doesn’t really want to.  But when there’s nothing but craziness here, what can be expected?

Fuck.  FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK!!

I hate this.

I’m taking a sick day to take care of some important things around the house.

And then I end up really being sick.

Karma/fate/whatever can be a real bitch.

You know you’re getting old when you’re laying next to your honey, all cuddly and warm, and you think, “Sex sounds really good right now.  But sleep sounds even better.”

As a teen, I never, ever in a million years thought I would think that.