I think I’ve really given up. I think I’ve done as the counselor said and realized that there’s no dealing with Buck the way he is.

Nothing has changed. He says one thing and then blames us when he says the opposite. He openly says he hates us. Doesn’t hate the fuckers in Utah. Hates us. Has no apparent understanding of cause and effect, of consequences of his own actions.

A lot of the personality aspects of the mass shooters are reflected in him. Enough that it scares us.

We’ve removed the guns from the house. We hate feeling vulnerable, but we won’t be inadvertently responsible for something horrible.

We wish there was a place for him…but there isn’t. We’ve begged and pleaded and there’s no place for him. Or as the detective said, no place where he wouldn’t come out worse. And I think that’s the problem…there’s no real help. Something horrible has to happen before something is done. We’re doing our best to make sure he’s safe, we’re safe, and everyone else is safe. But sometimes it is such a fucking nightmare…and the people who are at the root cause of it all are living a free life back in Utah. Bragging about choosing to be a stay-at-home mom and being involved in doing good for others in their (mormon) church. A fucking nightmare, where everybody pays the price except for those who caused it.

And Mrs. Goob, if you’re reading this, you and the Goob don’t even need to think about taking Buck in. Y’all are starting your lives, and don’t need his fuckery interfering with your lives. He can’t be helped by y’all. At least he doesn’t ‘hate’ you two. BUT…he has never shown any damn remorse for any of the disturbed shit he’s done. And it’s been going on since he was 11 or 12. He doesn’t care for women except for the fantasies he can jack off to. And never once has he ever said he was sorry for any of the misogynistic, self-effacing crap he has done. No, he just crosses his arms and gets his 100-yard stare, or sneers at any suggestions he’s not trying to help himself. May God forgive me if any of his hatred of women is my fault. We’ve only expected out of him what we expected of the other kids…and he fights it, tooth and nail. And lies, and steals, and demeans females, and blames others for everything. Never, ever has he owned up to anything.

So…tonight, I think the anger is gone. There’s a lot of sadness, yes. We have done all we can. And my emotional bank account is almost empty, and there are people who are truly deserving of that account. I hate this like hell. I’ve fought this ‘giving up’ for a long time. But…it is time now. Deep breaths, distancing, stepping away. I told BR that it actually feels ‘good’.

Stepping away…because it’s the only path left now.

14 Responses to “Invisible”

  1. Quality Weenie Says:

    Your family is in my thoughts and prayers.

    Sometimes giving up is the best thing you can do.

    Fighting hard to protect yourself and your relatives is good for your genes, but when captured and escape is not possible, giving up short of dying and making the best you can of the new situation is also good for your genes.
    Keith Henson

  2. pam Says:

    It’s not your fault, none of it is your fault. And finally giving up is not your fault either. If you were to expend every ounce of energy and all your tears for the rest of your life, it would not change what they created from an innocent soul.

    All you can do is protect yourselves. Praying for you all. {{HUG}}

  3. Jess Says:

    When dealing with disorders, you save yourself first. It’s disheartening and can lead to tons of guilt, with self-doubt. So seek your own counseling if you feel overwhelmed.

    God bless.

  4. diamond dave Says:

    I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – just let go and let God. If Buck is so hell-bent on learning about life the hard way, the best thing you can do is let him, and allow the consequences of his choices to take their course. And in the meantime, you might take Jess’ advice and look into counseling, just to salvage yourself.

  5. vwbug Says:

    Hugs and prayers. And more hugs and prayers. Please get help for yourself. You deserve it.

  6. wRitErsbLock Says:

    i have no words
    so sorry

  7. patti Says:

    God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change,
    The courage to change the things I can,
    And the wisdom to know the difference.

    So sorry my friend.

  8. LC Aggie Sith Says:

    So very heartbreaking to read this. Breaking for you and BR. I pray for y’all, and for Buck, but I’m of the opinion that letting go is your only option now.

  9. Cheeze Says:

    It’s always a little scary to read things like this, and I’m sure to live through it, especially given the recent episodes of “troubled” youths doing very bad things. Not to say Buck is necessarily like that, but there’s probably a point where it starts floating around in the back of your mind.

    Be strong, but be careful.

  10. The Wench Says:

    Geez, I’m sorry. It’s amazing how people can mess kids up and then walk away from it and not face punishment. I wish you well.

  11. Lemon Stand Says:

    I’m with Jess and Dave. Family Counseling takes a while to kick in as you and counselor get to know each other and get a solid idea of the situation, but it has been worth it to us to stick it out and over the years has been invaluable in how we handle problems, guilt and stress. The best hour a week investment we ever made. Buck may never go with you and I suspect the counselor would not want him to in any case, but I think it would bring you and BR peace. Always have you in my prayers regardless.

  12. Rita Says:

    I know when we had such awful issues with my husband’s daughter we got to the point of just needing to save ourselves. But she had a weapon, our grandson. She knew the thing that would hurt us the worst was holding him from us. Those were such horrible years but we were at least able to see him through his father, since we refused to divorce him from our lives just because she had.

    Things are now peaceful. It was 15 years of hell, but she finally got help with medication that worked.

    I’m praying there will be light at the end of your tunnel and that it comes soon.

  13. Mrs. Who Says:

    Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers, folks. And it’s nice to know we’re not ‘alone’, and that there is hope.

  14. Bob Agard Says:

    I don’t know if I would recommend therapy, because few therapists have the knowledge base to understand what you are dealing with. One who does is Stanton Samenow. He has written a book entitled Inside The Criminal Mind, and recently updated it, and it is available to read free on line here:

    Hugs and prayers,

Leave a Reply