I think I’ve really given up. I think I’ve done as the counselor said and realized that there’s no dealing with Buck the way he is.
Nothing has changed. He says one thing and then blames us when he says the opposite. He openly says he hates us. Doesn’t hate the fuckers in Utah. Hates us. Has no apparent understanding of cause and effect, of consequences of his own actions.
A lot of the personality aspects of the mass shooters are reflected in him. Enough that it scares us.
We’ve removed the guns from the house. We hate feeling vulnerable, but we won’t be inadvertently responsible for something horrible.
We wish there was a place for him…but there isn’t. We’ve begged and pleaded and there’s no place for him. Or as the detective said, no place where he wouldn’t come out worse. And I think that’s the problem…there’s no real help. Something horrible has to happen before something is done. We’re doing our best to make sure he’s safe, we’re safe, and everyone else is safe. But sometimes it is such a fucking nightmare…and the people who are at the root cause of it all are living a free life back in Utah. Bragging about choosing to be a stay-at-home mom and being involved in doing good for others in their (mormon) church. A fucking nightmare, where everybody pays the price except for those who caused it.
And Mrs. Goob, if you’re reading this, you and the Goob don’t even need to think about taking Buck in. Y’all are starting your lives, and don’t need his fuckery interfering with your lives. He can’t be helped by y’all. At least he doesn’t ‘hate’ you two. BUT…he has never shown any damn remorse for any of the disturbed shit he’s done. And it’s been going on since he was 11 or 12. He doesn’t care for women except for the fantasies he can jack off to. And never once has he ever said he was sorry for any of the misogynistic, self-effacing crap he has done. No, he just crosses his arms and gets his 100-yard stare, or sneers at any suggestions he’s not trying to help himself. May God forgive me if any of his hatred of women is my fault. We’ve only expected out of him what we expected of the other kids…and he fights it, tooth and nail. And lies, and steals, and demeans females, and blames others for everything. Never, ever has he owned up to anything.
So…tonight, I think the anger is gone. There’s a lot of sadness, yes. We have done all we can. And my emotional bank account is almost empty, and there are people who are truly deserving of that account. I hate this like hell. I’ve fought this ‘giving up’ for a long time. But…it is time now. Deep breaths, distancing, stepping away. I told BR that it actually feels ‘good’.
Stepping away…because it’s the only path left now.