I’ve been tossing this post around in my mind for a couple of months. Didn’t quite know how to start it or finish it. It’s nothing bad, just wanting to get some thoughts out.
Buck had started spending a lot of time with the kids down the street. So much so that he was pretty much living there, and riding to work with them (one of the sons there and Buck work at the same place).
What bothered me was that those parents never bothered to call or check to verify how much time Buck was spending down there.
And Buck was getting to where he wasn’t even calling to tell us anything.
So, I decided to go down there. To talk to the parents. The ‘my two dads’ parents. Yep, they were a gay couple. Not that that in itself bothered me. But with Buck’s background of sexual molestation, I didn’t want him to feel their 24-hour ‘acceptance’ meant HE should be gay. I think a lot of heterosexuals are pressured into being ‘gay’. Just as I feel there are homosexuals pressured into being ‘straight’. But Buck isn’t good at reasoning. And he isn’t good at telling the whole truth about his home life. We’ve seen his texts from time to time, and grandiose is a mild word to describe the impression he tries to give. Yeah, yeah, all teens go through bragging and/or exaggeration of some sort…but he’s very good about deluding himself, which is way more harmful than trying to impress your friends.
So, I trotted down to the two dads’ home. Asked to speak with them, and for Buck and the two other boys to be present. I wanted Buck there so he could hear what I was saying. I wanted the other boys there to hear exactly what I said, not colored through Buck’s interpretation. I told them that Buck’s dad and I were concerned about how much time he’s spending away from home, that he’s neglecting his responsibilities at home, and not keeping us informed of his whereabouts, and his school grades have dropped. I told them about the whys and wherefores of getting custody of Buck and his brother, and that they didn’t even know how to wipe their asses or flush a toilet when we first got them. That at that time their insult of choice for each other and anybody else who confronted them was ‘cocksucker’. (When I relayed this conversation to my husband later, he asked, ‘Did you actually say ‘cocksucker’ in front of two gay men????’…Yes, because that was an important part of the narrative, what the boys came from.) I spoke of the dysfunction of their mother and her marriage to a registered sex offender. I told of Buck’s problem with sexual appropriateness and investigation by the Sheriff’s Department. That we were proud of the progress Buck had made, but were disappointed with his lack of effort in self-respect and school work.
The two dads were very nice. They said Buck was no trouble, and respectful. They gave me their phone numbers (they both have the same last name, so I’m guessing one changed it to the other’s at some point????) and told me to call any time with any concerns.
Buck hasn’t stayed a night there since. He’s gone down a couple of times to play video games, but that’s it. BR says it’s because I scared the hell out of the two dads with the implications of the problems Buck could cause. (Actually, BR put it much more crudely than that, but I won’t repeat it here.)
I hated going down there. I hated having to do or say anything. But it came down to Buck bucking all responsibilities at home, and he’s still a minor (age of majority in Alabama is 19…and I made a point of relaying that while I was down there). And I know he’s feeling terribly frustrated…if he hadn’t had to repeat 1st grade (thanks to his egg-donor), he would have already been gone from home.
I guess I’m just wanting to write this to keep a record of events. And to sort out my thoughts. Mainly to sort out my thoughts.
Oh, another thing that I’ve done that actually reduced the number of negative interactions Buck and I have:
When we got married, BR asked that we not have a tv in the bedroom. This extended to the kids’ rooms as well. They would watch tv at all hours instead of doing homework and such.
Well, Buck is the last child, and as such, has sole access to the tv in the living room (pretty much the kids’ entertainment room). He’d lay on the floor, pushing up the area rug (and never pushing it back into place), for hours on end. He’d leave food there (wasn’t allowed food in that room). Once I found an apple core next to his pillow and blanket that he had left. Threw the damn core into his pillow case and left it there. Asked him a couple of days later why he left an apple core. He frantically searched the floor for a few moments before I told him where it actually was. Then he was pissed at me for messing up his pillow.
But every day when I walked in from work, I’d go through the kitchen with its un-done pile of dishes (his chore), and walk past the doorway of the living room where he lay like a slug on the floor, only eyeballs and fingers moving as he played a video game. It would set me off big time. Major rows would occur, and nothing would change.
I finally decided to have him move the tv into his bedroom. Then I’m not being triggered each and every day several times a day. He can’t have the volume up after we go to bed. He’s NOT doing anything in school anyway, so why the hell not?
It’s nice to walk in and NOT see his lazy ass body slung out. (And I’m serious when I say he can be like that for HOURS. Five, six, seven hours.) But as soon as I ask him to do his chores, all of a sudden he HAS to the bathroom, eat a meal, or play with the dogs. And it’s an hour or more before the chore is done.
Even BR has said he’s not being triggered either (I think he had doubts about the tv being in Buck’s bedroom).
Goob is down for a visit right now. It’s been good for Buck to have his brother here. They even went parasailing today, lucky little shits. They’re having a good time. I’m glad.