Mein herz brennt

Well, this Christmas season has well and truly sucked.

Don’t know where one kid is…and the other is crashing in place. BR is horribly hurt and upset and worried.

I was on the phone earlier with BR, who is at work. One of his coworkers thinks she knows of the kid Buck might be staying with…trying to get an address. But while BR was chatting with the coworker, I just got all choked up and nearly had to hang up. I managed to pull it back together before BR came back to the line…don’t know if BR was able to notice.

There is so much hurt in those three lives. BR, raised by an alcoholic family. Buck and Goob, raised by their mom and her sex-offender husband. BR said he keeps having an image of Goob the day he picked them up with the emergency order. Goob was standing on the couch in his mother’s house, looking out the big living room window and BR, his mother, and the cops who were there to enforce the emergency custody order. Goob shot BR the bird and waggled his ass at him. That’s the atmosphere in which he and his brother came here…

Goob is also doing some heaving drinking, driving under the influence. I don’t think he planned to come home at all after his divorce/end of enlistment. Maybe he was afraid of being under our auspices again. I understand that…but he just needed to tell us that. We had looked so forward to seeing him.

BR is worried about financial repercussions. We went into bankruptcy for those boys (and I would do it again to save them). We sacrificed so they could go to parochial school. We bought a vehicle when we weren’t planning to so we could go to Goob’s wedding (started in a lie because they had already been married). And then BR co-signed on Goob’s truck…which is a fear now. Goob kept promising he would pay it off with Army bonuses…but it still hasn’t been. And now Goob is out of work.

We bought a truck for Buck to use. He still doesn’t have a license yet, so we told him to show us he’s responsible in school work (failing grades most of the time) and for his chores, then he could get his license and get the truck in his name. He paid us back for the truck, but has done nothing to show he’s responsible. And he disappears over the weekends and holidays, only coming home right before school starts for the week. Doesn’t answer his phone or reply to texts. He’s probably with his friend that has ‘my two dads’.

Buck and I…don’t get along. I try to keep abreast of his school work, but he’s of the attitude he’s got the minimum credits to graduate, so why work any harder? Why turn work in on time, when the teachers let him turn it in later half-assed for a ‘D’.

We’ve taken up his school computer (leased through the school)…we’re financially liable for it, and he’s supposedly camping on the grounds of his workplace (a marina/bar/restaurant). Or he’s at the other kid’s place. He did bring back the computer when we asked. He came in, set the computer backpack down, and left without a word. I’m taking it back to the school next week, and telling them we are no longer responsible for it.

BR has changed the locks on the house. He doesn’t want Buck coming and going as he pleases. And he worries about the repressed anger Buck has, and that he might hurt me in one of our arguments.

So much hurt. So much anger. So much sadness.

My heart aches.

4 Responses to “Mein herz brennt”

  1. Jess Says:

    I can’t offer much advice, except sometimes you have to let go, change your focus and stop allowing what is destroying your peace to continue with the destruction.

    The holidays bring too much stress, and the result is a burden that shouldn’t be carried. I know this from experience, with one being a Christmas that evaporated into the rantings of an alcoholic parent. It happens, and the scars are worn forever.

    May you find moments of peace. If not, make them happen. You’re the only one that will get you through.

  2. diamond dave Says:

    What Jess said. Nothing else I can add to that, other than prayers and a {hug}.

  3. Da Goddess Says:

    Awww, crap. I’m sorry.

    Many hugs and even many more prayers for all of you

  4. vwbug Says:

    I like this verse: Isaiah 40:29-31
    He gives power to the weak, and to those who have no might He increases strength…Those who wait on the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.

    I hope you and BR shall get your strength renewed. You deserve to walk and run and sore like eagles. Many hugs and prayers.

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